Fellow Americans, before you sign my death warrant, know that I’m talking about American football, also known as American football in the rest of the world. So relax, it’s ok, I’m just making fun of football!
I’ve been watching Euro 2008 on TV, although I can’t tell which matches have already been played (did anyone record the delay?). Oh well, I don’t know any of the teams, players or coaches so ignorance is bliss.
After watching a few key games (so the announcers tell me) and ingesting a few slices of pizza and cheap American beer, I’ve come to the conclusion: Soccer sucks.
In fact, I played soccer for years. Sport is fun during your childhood, but somehow the nice family atmosphere turns into a boring and violent theater full of male drama queens. Over the years I have watched Olympic football, world cups and a few German league games (we had great cable channels when I was young).
Let me reiterate: soccer sucks. While watching some good football matches, I actually wanted to commit suicide. So without further ado, I humbly present 10 reasons why I hate football:
1. Drunken fans
At football stadiums, we close the beer and liquor stands before the end of the game. When do the European and Latin American stadiums cut the juice? My money is on NEVER.
If I wanted to see drunken, violent Europeans in action, I’d put on my Dodgers cap, buy a pink polo shirt and Nikes, and visit an English pub. Or maybe you’ll attend a Prodigy concert in Berlin.
American sports fans ride the wave. We stand in line and cook hamburgers. We bring our families and play ball with our children. We also eat ice cream and leave the games early to avoid traffic.
World soccer fans kick each other. Period. I can’t say I blame them. After ninety minutes of back and forth and beer in the sun, I’d probably beat the crap out of my best friend. Soccer fans are time bombs waiting to go off.
And by the way, when European fans paint their faces and then riot, I am reminded of the brutal war scenes in Braveheart. Maybe World Soccer teams need cute mascots to lower testosterone. Miami Dolphins anyone?
2. Boredom
If you can finish your taxes and not miss the action, you’re watching a boring sporting event. Soccer has the lowest scoring totals of any sport in world history. Kick. Run. Fall. Repeat.
I cannot deny the physical ability that world class soccer players possess. However, when that skill is spread out over a few taps over ninety minutes, one word comes to mind: BORING. Soccer clinics are more interesting than actual matches.
3. Penalties
Let me get this straight: You run for ninety minutes, and then if the score is tied when the whistle blows, you don’t play overtime? Are you kidding? Penalty kicks are unfair and unusual. A team game comes down to individual effort in a completely different format. It must be the beer. Fans will start to swoon if an overtime period is allowed.
4. Women (or lack thereof)
Have you ever noticed the lack of women in attendance? Soccer is male domination at its finest. How can you have a family atmosphere when the women don’t come to the games? I think the men planned it that way. Maybe a soccer game is a great men’s bonding seminar. Complete with beer, riots and boredom.
5. Third World Success
Many third world countries are pretty good at soccer. For those economists, think low barriers to entry. Youngsters just need a ball (or a close approximation), a dusty or grassy plain, and a few friends. Perhaps that is why soccer permeates the lives of many third worlders. Unlike material wealth, soccer skills are easily obtained and careers as soccer players are within reach of the best talent, regardless of income.
By contrast, Americans like sports that require high-tech training, nutritionists, and expensive equipment. Think American football, baseball, or hockey. We excel in sports where our infinite resources provide an edge in global competition. Soccer is the exception, so we don’t like the sport and we produce less than exceptional teams. All of our real athletes play other sports!
6. The nasty ones
I used to think that hockey players were, pound for pound, the baddest athletes on the planet. Watching football has made me change my mind.
Soccer players are nasty and talented individuals. That makes a dangerous combination. Cleats as weapons, goalposts as battering rams, fists as clubs: do you understand? At least provide some protection for these guys, maybe a helmet or stick will help. Perhaps the players need an outlet for their pent up aggression. I suppose his aggressiveness is compounded by the boredom inherent in standing in a hot field for ninety minutes in front of thirty thousand drunk men, with no women in sight. Yes, that will.
7. The Theater
In American sports, when a player falls, it usually means a serious condition. In soccer, these male drama queens fake death and then miraculously jump and run when a foul is called against the opposition. What other sport allows and encourages such theatricality? Does the referee get angry when a player fakes an injury and then scores a goal? Don’t Europeans know the story of the “Boy Who Cried Wolf”? I would hand out yellow cards to any ladybug that fell and screamed wolf. How do coaches know when actual injuries occur? Is there some kind of secret code (“hold your left ankle for pretend, hold your right ankle if you need help”)?
8. Wasted space
I think that the design of stadiums and soccer fields is very similar to soccer fields. Think about how much American football could be played abroad without investing in sports infrastructure. Repaint the lines and let’s play ball. And in this age of environmental activism, can’t we boycott countries that waste precious land on stupid soccer fields?
9. Culture Wars
Football or soccer? Too confusing. I wish the soccer/football luminaries would get together and decide once and for all. Here’s the rub: I think football is the correct term! But considering the attitudes of France and Germany during the Iraq War, I refuse to acknowledge the point. It is a matter of national pride. Unfortunately, American Soccer is a victim of this ugly culture war, but hey, sacrifices must be made. As long as American football is unscathed, they can have their damn football!
10. Americans suck at soccer.
We Americans just can’t play soccer. We are a nation affected by Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), so what else can we expect? We need action, women and points. Soccer boredom is a permanent plague on a beautiful sport. So when does football season start?
(C) Copyright 2008 Robert J. Leitner
