“I’m not good enough.” It’s something we therapists, counselors, and coaches hear all too often from our clients. In fact, it is probably the most prevalent belief in our society: the number one in the hit parade of limiting beliefs about oneself.
The cognitive approach consists of refuting the belief in an effort to convince the client that he or she is, in fact, “good enough”: an acceptable human being. I’ve done that myself. I have urged clients to list their positive attributes. I have reminded them that they are not ax murderers. I’ve had them stand in front of a mirror, as recommended by motivational speaker Louise Hay, and say kind and loving things to themselves. Sometimes these methods help. Sometimes they don’t.
Another approach is to offer evidence that the belief is illogical and meaningless. That is why I usually start by researching the wording of the belief. “Not good enough for what?” I ask. Most clients are unsure at first. The question implies that they might be good enough for some things but not for others. Usually they answer that they are not good enough to achieve the same results for which they came to therapy, counseling or coaching. No wonder here.
They want better relationships, better health, or more confidence, but they don’t think they are worthy of what they want. That is a dilemma.
Next question: Not good enough by what standard of measurement? This question is often puzzling because most people do not realize that “enough” implies a measure or criterion by which we can agree that some humans are good enough and some are not. Of course there is no such standard.
Most people, if they think of their “goodness,” simply decide for themselves that they are “not good enough” because of their flaws. Deficiencies alone do not qualify as adequate measures to determine the dignity of a human being.
Some people have low self-esteem due to a history of toxic shame, often at the hands of authority figures, such as parents, teachers, or mentors. When shame is the result of name calling and abuse (physical or psychological), shame becomes toxic and leads to emotional and behavioral problems, as well as eroding self-esteem. With toxic shame, people evaluate themselves as unworthy, flawed, and inadequate; unable to meet their own expectations and unable to create lasting and creative love, success or happiness.
They want these accomplishments, and they assume that such accomplishments will give them the self-esteem they crave. However, they do not feel worthy of those same achievements. They compare themselves unfavorably to others who have found love, success, or happiness, and feel even more inadequate.
Sometimes I ask: Do you or the person who hurt you in this way have enough training and experience to be an expert in determining human dignity? The answer is always no. “
At this point, I can summarize that the “not good enough” belief is based on an unsupported standard of measurement, determined by a hobbyist. This makes the belief that “it’s not good enough” is nothing more than a fabrication. It’s not real; It’s done. But even though I can convince some clients that the belief is not logical, they tell me that it still feels true. Most people with low self-esteem would like to feel better about themselves, if they only knew how.
Lately, I’ve been thinking that trying to change the belief that “it’s not good enough” is a lot of effort, when it’s easier to agree. “I agree with you. You are not good enough.” Yes, I know, that seems cruel. Let me tell you the rest of that conversation.
“I agree with you. You are not good enough. Suppose for a moment that the made-up conclusion you’ve been telling yourself over and over again is actually true. So what? What’s the difference in terms of your ability? want? “
If we are to believe that we are “good enough” for the things we want to do or have or be, according to some non-existent and nonsensical standard, then it seems to me that all of us must, at least sometimes, feel “not good enough. good ones”. “one way or another.
I applaud self-improvement and personal growth. I just don’t think we have to feel perfectly beautiful, smart, and competent to explore our potential. There is no rule that only the best and best among us can fulfill their hopes and dreams, while the rest of us must bow our heads and dig our toes into the ground.
As human beings, we are inherently imperfect and prone to error, ignorance, and poor judgment. Our achievements are few compared to our shortcomings and mistakes. We go wrong in a life that is messy and often unpredictable, learning by trial and error. It is human nature to feel unfinished and incomplete. In this sense, we are all “not good enough” because we all fall short of our aspirations and ideals.
Acknowledge your mistakes, weaknesses, and shortcomings. Then go after whatever you want anyway, even if, along the way, you mess up, even if you fail and look like a fool. Failure is not an invitation to quit smoking; it is an invitation to learn new tactics and modify your plan. Obviously, I do not support this philosophy in which people’s lives and well-being are at stake.
Here is the dilemma. You cannot be anyone other than your own “not good enough” self. For each of us, struggling with who we are and who we aspire to be is the only game in town. So celebrate life anyway. Stop worrying about your worth and direct your energies and attention to what you love to do, where you can contribute, and how you can improve.
Accept that you will always be perfectly imperfect. Accept that you have flaws and that every life has mistakes, failures, regrets, anger, disappointment, shame, and pain. Like any other human being, you have your own baggage, full of negatives that you can correct, improve, or overcome if you wish. Accept that you also have talents, gifts, blessings, abilities, accomplishments, and triumphs, just like any other human being. Life is confusing, glorious, complicated, and messy for everyone.
Many books on self-esteem and spirituality talk about the “true self” or the “core self”, who “really are”. Let me tell you what I believe about who you really are. You are more than your possessions, your appearance, and your job. You are more than your struggles and triumphs. You are more than your body. All of these are transitory. The true you, your true self, is eternal, ineffable and transcendent. It is what remains after removing all the material. It is made of Infinite Consciousness that creates the universe and holds it together, differentiating each living entity, giving life, animation, and infinite variety. This creative energy, call it what you want, is the essence of who it really is.
The need for love is in our genes. Sometimes we forget that the love we love the most is the love that comes from within. Until you can get along with yourself, despite yourself, all the love in the world will never fill the void. Accept that you, good enough or not, are a living being on this life journey, and understand what makes you a precious and unique child of the Universe.