Those mourning the death of a loved one are often told to find closure, let go of the deceased loved one, and move on with their lives. For most, this warning is equivalent to saying forget about the person. In truth, no one ever forgets the loved one and never wants to, since our memories and our love will never allow it. Thus, additional stress is heaped on the bereaved when a conflict arises between the bearer of the “forget message” and the survivor.
Until recently, the message of moving on with your life and forgetting your deceased loved one was endorsed by counselors and mental health experts. It was finally realized that we never forget our loved ones, they are close to our hearts, and in fact, it is healthy and important to establish an ongoing bond with them, if we want to. In fact, it is natural to think of them at family celebrations, holidays, and anniversaries, or to remember them at other times for what they taught or helped develop in us.
Obviously, this new way of relating is different (without physical presence) as it should be, but it can still be nourishing and comforting. However, there are many associates with the mourner who still fear that holding on to the deceased in this way is pathological, a precursor to further suffering and emotional problems. Not true, as long as the following three guidelines are respected.
1. First, the survivor realizes that the loved one will not return in physical form and the acceptance of death has occurred on a deep emotional level. The latter can take considerable time for some to reach. Acceptance of death on an intellectual level is common and relatively easy to achieve. Acceptance in the heart is something else. The time frame for emotional acceptance varies from person to person.
2. Second, there is nothing inherently wrong when a problem arises to review what the deceased loved one would do to resolve it. In fact, considering the wise opinions of others is a wise choice in decision making. We constantly invoke the wisdom of philosophers, theologians, and leaders who have died. We even visited the places where they used to live.
However, in the final analysis, the survivor must make decisions about what they believe is appropriate for the situation. These judgments may or may not agree with the thought of the deceased in life. He never makes a decision based on what the deceased would have wanted, if he believes that a different solution is more appropriate. The thought of him now is what he counts.
3. Finally, you realize that without your loved one, life will be different. It is, in fact, a new life, one that will have its own characteristics, another chapter in the path of life. Furthermore, you accept that it is unwise to live in the past and you should continue to make a meaningful life on your own. It may involve finding
new interests, commitments, development of new skills and a continuation of learning.
In short, developing a new relationship with a deceased loved one is healthy and important. It is based on accepting that one life has been lived and the loved one has died, that all decisions affecting your new life should be based on what is good and right for you, and that you are committed to finding meaning and purpose.
As part of your reinvestment, your loved one can live in your daily memories and in the traditions and celebrations you want to observe throughout the year. You can talk to him/her however you want, and many people do. As the months and years go by, you may want to modify the frequency, content, or privacy of the relationship as you see fit and as your new life unfolds. In any case, love always lives.
