Recently, a man asked me the following question:
“Street, can you tell me what’s going on? My wife and I have been married for 15 years and after the first year, sex started to become less and less frequent. My wife just wasn’t in the mood for it… I didn’t feel like having sex… I had a “headache”… I was “tired” or whatever.
Now, if we make love once a month it’s a miracle and even then, she’s clearly and obviously just “giving” it to me, so I’ll just shut up and walk away. It doesn’t seem to matter what I say or do, my wife just doesn’t seem to have any interest in sex. And so it has been for years. It wasn’t like that before we got married and for the first year, but after that, it’s like her sexual desire has completely disappeared.
And now… the last thing I found out is that my wife seems to be having an affair. Of course, she denies it, but I see too many signs… too many red flags… and the last time we made love it was definitely like she was in bed with another guy and since then, it’s been even more. distant and has avoided my approaches more forcefully than in the past.
So my question is, how can a woman who hasn’t had any sexual desire for all these years… who has avoided intimacy with me have an affair with another man? That just doesn’t make any sense to me… I don’t get it!”
That’s a good question, don’t you think? How can a woman who she apparently doesn’t like or want to have sex have sex with another man? Well, let’s explore what’s really going on by asking another question…
What kind of man does your wife want?
The answer to that question is my famous line: “A woman wants a man she can have a positive, sexual reaction to.” A woman wants a man that she understands and meets her needs. And she wants a man who thinks, behaves, and operates in an attractive, attractive, and sexy way.
And, when the man who asked the question above didn’t provide those things to his wife, she started to walk away from him…she started to stop wanting to have sex with HIM.
BIG, BIG, distinction here…she didn’t stop wanting sex…she stopped wanting sex with HIM. She stopped wanting to have sex with a man who didn’t turn her on sexually.
Now, the problem was not that this man was unable to sexually arouse his wife. The problem was that he hadn’t learned how to do it yet.
For comparison, imagine that right after this man married his wife, she started getting uglier and uglier until she finally turned into this hideously grotesque woman. If this had happened, the man would have stopped wanting to have sex with his wife, right? Well, for a man, it mainly has to do with physical appearance. For a wife, it mostly has to do with the feelings that the man he’s with creates inside her…and this man just needed to learn how to create the right feelings inside her.
His wife wanted sex in the past. She wants sex NOW. She wants sex in the future. So if your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you, then she wants it with someone else. If her wife doesn’t want to have sex with you, I suggest she use it as motivation to become the kind of man her wife wants before she goes looking for someone else.
Now, I want to raise a related point…
I was recently helping a different man who was also in an almost identical situation… he and his wife had been married for 18 years, the wife had resisted and refused sex for years… and then found out that his wife was having an affair, etc. Anyway, when I started talking to this man, one of the things he kept saying over and over again was…
“Overall, I’ve been a very good husband and father!”
I’m sure you’ve heard other men say this about themselves, right? And in fact, you may have even said or thought this about yourself as well.
But let’s ask ourselves, what does it really mean to say that you are a good husband and father? Well, when you sum it all up, to most men it means three things:
1. They are a decent provider.
2. He is not an alcoholic or a drug addict.
3. They are not physically abusive.
Now here’s what men need to wake up and realize…none of those three things means that a man has satisfied, aroused or generated a positive and sexual reaction in his wife towards him. None of these three things mean that a wife truly respects, admires, or is attracted to her husband.
In fact, too often, “I’ve been a good husband” really just means that a man has been a soft, passive, kind, tolerant type of a lot of nonsense and bad behavior…and that’s NOT the type of man a woman will have a positive and sexual reaction. So let me say it again…
A woman wants a man who understands and meets her needs. And she wants a man who thinks, behaves, and operates in an attractive, attractive, and sexy way. For the sake of your marriage and any children you may have, I strongly encourage you to become this type of man.
Copyright 2009, Article by Calle Zorro. Permission is granted to reprint this article ONLY if credit is given to Calle Zorro and a link to DoThisGetSex.com is included.