Almost every reader who comes to my blog has one goal: to save their marriages and eventually bring their husbands back under the same roof. They are understandably scared, highly emotional, and unsure of what tactic to take for fear that making significant changes will make things worse. But I have to tell you that I have seen this scenario countless times. I’ve seen it go badly wrong and end in divorce and I’ve seen it work out perfectly when couples reconcile with both equally committed to making things right. I see common trends in both losing and winning plans. I will talk about both in the next article.
Change your goal from engaging to validating: When I hear wives say that they want to “attract” their husband’s back, I sometimes want to cringe. This phase carries with it very negative connotations, almost as if her husband were a fish or some other animal that needs some “bait” to follow the trail without wanting to or realizing it. This is quite demeaning for both of them.
Instead, it is better to take another tactic so that he wants to come home or reconcile. And, the best way to do that is often not to play such obvious games or to “prime” it. Think about it for a second. Let’s say there was something you resisted doing. Would you want someone to try to manipulate you into changing your mind, simply for their own benefit? Of course not.
But would you respond better to someone who validated you and wanted to help? Probably. This is the real key. To make it receptive to returning, you must have repeatable access to it. And, during this access, you must change your perception of how things are. But, you can’t do this if he doesn’t believe you own his side. He needs to understand that you agree that the marriage needs a serious overhaul and that you want to help him get it done.
This sounds straightforward and easy, but it requires a bit of finesse. You have to appear sincere and strong. This can be hard when you’re full of anxiety and fear that your marriage is ending, but in order for him to respect you enough to commit to making things work, you have to respect yourself enough not to always be the one. second-class citizen in marriage.
Appearances are everything: When I say this, I don’t necessarily mean his physical appearance. What I mean is how do you project yourself and your skills and attributes right now. We’ve all been in relationships that ended. Sometimes, we are the ones who want to go out. But ask yourself this. Is your ex more attractive to you when you see him with bags under his eyes, sloping shoulders, and disheveled clothes? Sure, you can feel sorry for them and you can feel a bit guilty, but both are negative emotions that will only whisper in your ear that you did well to run away. She can’t allow her husband to feel this way. You want him to look at you and think that maybe he acted too fast because he likes what he sees.
So, as tempting as it may be, don’t let your desperation show in your appearance. Never show up with faded sweatpants and ragged hair. When you look like you just got out of bed because you did. But, he must not know this. He must see that you are the capable, exciting, and busy woman he first fell in love with, and he must regret letting you go.
Now, if you’ve moved, you probably won’t have immediate access to it. So getting him to see you is going to take a bit of planning. Mutual friends work great for this. They can easily leak that you are dating him. Or, you can quickly drive past where you know you’re going to be. (Don’t stay unless approached). You don’t want to be too obvious about this and you want to allow a reasonable amount of time for you to really be okay and not let the cat out of the bag before the first word is out of your mouth.
Use this time in your favor. Get a makeover. Do those things you’ve been putting off. Reconnect with friends. Do not get depressed and limit yourself to happiness only when he is around. He is visible. Be the best woman you can be and make sure this gets to him.
What you know that no one else knows: In truth, you have an advantage that you probably haven’t used. You know this man very intimately. You know what he likes and what he doesn’t. You know what makes it tick and what sets it back. You know exactly what it takes to make your heart beat a little faster. So, he uses what you know. You know the woman he first fell in love with, because she is standing in your own skin.
Now, if you’ve turned your back on this woman for any length of time, you’ll have to be careful here. A 180 degree turn will seem suspicious at first. So don’t be too harsh. But, take out the attributes that are still yours and that are still attractive. Confidence in a woman is one of the first things a man will list as attractive.
In truth, men are tremendously attractive to women who don’t necessarily need them, but who do love them, understand them, and take the time to appreciate them and interact in a way that both people can be excited about. So no, you don’t need to look like Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie. But you do need to restore and show your enthusiasm and open heart.
And you have to make sure that your husband knows that the woman he couldn’t live without is still around, still potentially receptive, and that he knows he doesn’t really have to live without her.