What does it mean to be a conscious parent with less stress? It can mean enjoying the time you spend with your children because you are not always trying to change them. It can lead to making deliberate and intentional decisions about your children with less worry. It can result in knowing who your children really are.
What does it take to be a conscious parent? Mindfulness attitudes and practices are available to everyone. They are simple, but require practice. Seven basic attitudes, based on the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn, are as follows:
* To be or not to strive. Learn to “be” without “do”. Slow down, take time to breathe, focus, and be with your children without distractions. It feels good to spend time with them without having a specific agenda. Turn off the phone and be fully present. Look what comes out.
* Without judgment. See your children as they really are, without allowing predetermined beliefs and desires to influence their perceptions. It’s much easier to love and accept your children when you’re not constantly judging them by your internal standards of right and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate, good and bad. Be curious and interested, without judging.
* Acceptance and Awareness. Be aware of your thoughts, but don’t let them define or control you. Focusing on negative thoughts leads to stress and worry. Be aware of your thoughts without letting them take over. Instead of worrying about why your child is having a hard time with a teacher, take notice and try to accept it. His discomfort will lessen over time and any actions he needs to take will become clear.
* Let go or detachment. After accepting, it is relaxing to let go. You will have persistent and unpleasant thoughts, or situations that will not turn out as you would like. You don’t need to be attached to a particular outcome. If your child is having problems with her peers, don’t eliminate the discomfort with immediate action. When you don’t have to change and fix things all the time, the energy is available for other activities. Neither you nor your children have to fix everything.
* Beginner’s mind. As yoga instructors like to say, you’re practicing with the body you came in with today. Let go of the memory of how things were yesterday and the expectations of how they should be today or will be tomorrow. Be open to seeing your children as they are right now. When you look at them with a beginner’s mind, you notice new things every day.
* Trust. Trust your ideas, your feelings and your intuition. Give yourself permission to stop worrying about the opinion of others about your children and your parenting style. Trust in others is easier when you follow your own wisdom. You may even start to trust your children more.
* Patience. Patience is about knowing that things happen in their own time and cannot be rushed. It helps you connect with the present and reduces stress. Patient parents put less pressure on children and show them, by example, how to be patient. The next time you’re in a rush, ask yourself, “What’s the rush?”
Cultivating mindfulness involves practicing these skills. Pick one and try it three times a day; Morning, noon and night take a moment to be aware of your thoughts and accept them without trying to change them. Or pick a few skills and use them in new ways. Practice patience, non-judgment, and acceptance by taking three breaths each time you are about to say something critical at the table. Sit quietly for five minutes, just looking at your children, to practice being.
By adopting mindfulness attitudes, you will parent with less stress by bringing a clear conscience to your interactions with your children. He will discover that he can respond to them deliberately, with clear intentions. You will enjoy them more and you will know them better.
Copyright 2010 Judith Tutin, Ph.D.