This provocative question/thought calls for an answer. Most people, who have asked themselves or someone else that question, often respond with, “Yes, I have, but: I don’t know who I would have been.” “My dad would never do such a thing.” “I don’t think so.” “If I were, I would remember.”
Having worked with hundreds of sexual assault survivors in the healing process over the last twenty-five years, the answer to the question “Have you ever wondered if you were sexually abused?” is 99% inevitably ‘Yes’. How can you be so sure, you might ask. Certainty lies within the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is where the ‘truth’ of memory is stored.
Furthermore, the job of the unconscious mind is to push the memory into the conscious mind; therefore, if the person ‘wonders’ if they were sexually abused even though they have no conscious memory, it is a clue that the unconscious mind is pushing the information to the conscious mind, so that the wounds can heal.
What is one to do if one wonders, but has no definite recollection? Many people believe that ‘what you don’t know won’t hurt you’. This myth has proliferated for many centuries and is not valid for any problem. Because of a child’s innocence and often the perpetrator’s dependence on her, sexual abuse is not only a violation of her bodily, emotional, and spiritual boundaries, but also a violation of her trust. In this sense, the sexual aspect is secondary. The person he trusted with his innocence, instead of giving him love, has taken away what he wanted, terrified, hurt, humiliated, controlled, dishonored, and shattered his perception of himself and his relationship with the perpetrator. Although the perpetrator emphasized her love for him/her, he perpetrated violence that did not require force. In this violence, described as love, he robbed the child of the chance to become a healthy, adjusted adult. The perpetrator abrogated his responsibility to care for and protect the child.
This insidious betrayal so deeply affects a child’s sense of trust that the survivor works mightily to fully reclaim what is a birthright. It does not matter if the aggression occurred once or several times, since the damage occurs immediately. This damage is deep, extensive and widespread. Sexual abuse and incest affect all aspects of human development. A wound is formed in the soul as a result of sexual abuse: a wound that time, education, work, money, marriage, children, moving or divorce cannot heal. An injury so deeply hurtful and traumatic that it requires more resolution than reading books, self-help groups, or undertaking intellectual analysis. Children or adults who have been sexually abused, do not ‘get over’ the devastation like they would measles or a virus. Without recovery from sexual assault, millions of adult survivors of sexual assault/incest continue to bear emotional scars.
Think about your childhood. Do you have any of the following memories?
or a sudden fear of specific things, people, places (bathroom or –ie, the room where the abuse took place)?
o engaging in inappropriate sexual activity or showing unusual interest in sexual matters
or tantrums, especially coinciding with visits to places or interaction with certain people?
o Violent behavior such as: kicking, hitting, biting: Survivors experience extreme frustration and anger.
o Mood swings, beatings, isolation (abused children often feel alone, helpless and withdraw into a shell), culminating in depression.
or difficulties with wetting the bed or soiling after the age of 4?
or nightmares (monsters, chase or ghosts), fear of going to bed or sleepwalking?
o Physical symptoms of sexual abuse such as: vaginal/rectal pain, itching, vaginal/rectal bleeding (blood stains on underwear or pajamas), discharge, redness in the genital area, or bladder/kidney infections
or difficulty walking or sitting
or stomach and digestive problems
o Complain of flu-like symptoms o Often not feeling well
or apathy (like a robot, sitting silently and emotionlessly staring into space until someone or something prompts it to ‘act’).
o Self-inflicted pain (head banging, hair pulling, nail biting, body cutting/carving, frequent accidents (face down accident)
o regressive behavior: baby talk, sudden attachment behavior
or unexplained aggression or rebellion
or inserting objects into the genitals/rectum: acting out sexual behaviors on dolls, toys, or other children
o aches and pains, headaches and other psychosomatic ailments
or unusual knowledge of and interest in sex beyond developmental level
or panic or anxiety attacks
or early stage of eating disorders
or displaying adult or sexualized behavior (walking seductively, flirting, acting and talking like an adult).
or drop in grades, difficulty concentrating
or severe depression
or inability to trust others
or act with self-destructive behaviors: alcohol and/or drug use, eating disorders
or excessive bathing
or feeling the need to be reserved
or feeling of carrying a deep and dark secret
o Develop protective strategies such as: layering, wearing baggy clothing or clothing with safety pins; sleeping on the floor; in the closet, under the bed or blocking your bedroom door
or acting in pseudo maturity
or sexually transmitted diseases
or a dramatic increase in the frequency of masturbation or masturbation to the point of injury
or acting promiscuously
or serious confusion regarding sexual identity
or an aversion to the opposite sex
or sexual interest in younger children
As an adult, have you experienced, but not limited to, the following complaints?
o Little or no childhood recollection: 3-12 years
o Anxiety or panic attacks
o Gastrointestinal disorders
o Gynecological disorders
o Vaginal/uterine cancer-women,
o Testicular/prostate cancer-men
o Frequent headaches (migraines)
o Arthritis (especially hands, legs)
or bread stamp
o Back pain: region L3, L4 and/or L5
or eating disorders
o Alcohol or drug abuse
or Phobias
or depression
or low self-esteem
or ADD or ADHD
o Suicidal thoughts/attempts
o Recurring dreams of threat or entrapment
o Recurring dreams of rats or snakes, chased by
a man/men or dogs/monsters
o Inability to trust or trust indiscriminately
If you have experienced one or more of these symptoms, the chances are extremely high that you are a survivor of sexual assault or a survivor of physical trauma that has spilled over into the side effects of sexual assault.
What to do: If you have concerns or suspect that you have been sexually abused, contact a professional who specializes in sexual assault/incest recovery and provides a mind, body and spirit healing process. Talk therapy is inadequate for uncovering emotional pain and healing trauma trapped in the unconscious, muscles, and tissues. Also, psychotherapy rarely includes spiritual healing, that is, healing of wounds of the soul. To fully appreciate the depth of this pain, I will quote one of my clients: “Even my blood hurts.” A multifaceted healing process: mind, body and spirit focused specifically on recovery from sexual abuse and diligent work is the most effective process; where the survivor can restore her emotional, physical and spiritual identity and empowerment.