Ambiguous losses are shrouded in uncertainty, seem to last forever, and show no signs of ending. They are far more prevalent than the general public realizes and cause a lot of confusion for would-be caregivers trying to provide support to the bereaved.
The first type of ambiguous loss involves uncertainty as to whether the person involved has actually died (in cases of suspected suicide, was it an accident or?). Someone falls off a cruise ship into the sea. A soldier is reported missing in action in a war zone. A child disappears without a trace. An adult is missing in a mountaineering accident. Is the person still alive or has he died? Will the survivors ever find out?
The second type of ambiguous loss is psychological in nature. As a former consultant for an Alcohol Referral Service, there were many families that had absentee alcoholic parents, even though both parents lived under the same roof. There was always uncertainty when the person would be home and under what conditions. Multi-drug addictions bring long-term sadness and hurt to family members.
Alzheimer’s disease and accident-induced comas are other examples of physical presence but uncertainty about the action or inaction of sick people. Divorce and remarriage, as well as immigration, greatly blur family lines and are additional examples of uncertainty. It will be helpful in dealing with these losses to keep the following in mind.
1. Ambiguous losses have an immensely devastating impact on those who experience uncertainty, causing what seems like endless pain, confusion, and sadness. Trying to understand the dilemma from the bereaved’s point of view is critical to providing the best possible support.
2. Disturbing emotions and physical stress are always present, since the usual predictable and reassuring factors that provide some sense of security or knowledge are absent. Frequent anti-stress measures, such as walking, yoga, soft music, and massage, are vitally important in managing any type of ambiguous loss. Distractions are essential as mourners are easily immobilized and caught up in their grievance.
3. Social dislocation and perception differences in seeing loss are common. For example, children in a family that has been abandoned by one parent may feel differently toward that parent or have an opposing view of the remaining parent still in the home. In other families with a missing member, one person may feel that the person who has not been found has died, while another hopes that the person will be found alive.
4. Getting out of the ambiguity is not an easy task when you think that in one minute the person can be alive and the next dead. Hope and despair come and go, and support from others is often incomplete or non-existent because there is no certainty that the loss is real. Depression and high anxiety are common. And, the psychological loss of a person (alcohol or crack addiction, divorce, etc.) can be just as damaging as physical absence. Who is or is not part of my family is a disturbing question for many.
5. If you are dealing with an ambiguous loss of any kind, seek professional help. There are counselors who are very experienced in this area and can help you sort through your feelings and see the pros and cons of taking specific action based on the nature of the loss. Discover the ways others have dealt with uncertain losses, take and use what rings true for you, and leave the rest for the present moment.
6. If you’re friends with someone dealing with an ambiguous loss, here’s how you can help. First, be infinitely patient and nonjudgmental. You can’t begin to imagine the continual and persistent inner turmoil that uncertain loss creates. Your presence and trust in the person to be able to live with this loss will provide you with the powerful reassurance that you so badly need. The person or family will find a way, but never imply that there is something wrong with them for not moving forward as you think they should.
New ways of seeing the world are needed, and bereaved individuals can find highly individual coping strategies to deal with uncertainty. You can be a sounding board. Support their efforts. Encourage professional participation and make it clear that they will find a way that works for them. Equally important, it encourages social interaction and drawing on its spiritual traditions.
7. Most important of all, drive the crucial need for open communication between all family members. Having had two divorces within my own family, this is not always easy to do. However, patiently and respectfully airing differences, along with full disclosure, can go a long way, especially for children. Recognize that as the months and years go by, symbolic memories are important, hints of loneliness will be common, reappraisal of relationships can be helpful, and the resilience of the majority will be evident.
In short, uncertain loss is a major source of ongoing grievance and pain, and it is far more prevalent than is commonly recognized. You can live with it, but you need a lot of input from professional sources and researchers who have found successful strategies. Do a Google search on ambiguous loss to start your education.
And above all, if you are grieving an ambiguous loss, seek out a counselor or support group that can give you the confidence to deal with the devastating long-term effects. This counselor can also provide a valuable service to help you find meaning in your loss so you can live with uncertainty. Changing your perception of any event, that is, reformulating it, can be a very successful coping strategy.
