I’d like to think that with almost 5 million divorces in the UK since the 1980s (around 150,000 per year) we would be starting to hear stories of what worked and what didn’t work when a couple went through their separation. I would like to see a culture of sharing wisdom with the next generation; knowledge leaked to men, women, families and lawyers on the best way to navigate the divorce process. I would like to read in magazines and blogs stories of couples who put their children and the well-being of all at the center of their decision to move from the nuclear family to the extended family and who actually made later life changes with ease and with ease. a feeling of control and empowerment.
So far, I don’t really see that information making its way into the media, however I am meeting more and more couples who want a respectful separation and co-parenting relationship that works in the future.
They agree that living together is not getting the best out of themselves or their children
They don’t want to invest £ 5,000 to £ 25,000 in joint attorney and attorney fees when a divorce can simply be mediated and processed profitably (and with the fees saved they can enjoy a week’s holiday in the sun!).
Here are the top 3 suggestions on how to go through a peaceful divorce process:
1. Reject the myth of ‘divorce as a battle’
Choosing to separate because marriage is no longer the best working model for a couple or for raising children can be very liberating. The traditional model is one of conflict and battle and even when a couple may see the point in divorce, often when each hires an attorney to ‘protect their best interests’, the subtle suggestions of’ could get more; has been mistreated; your children could be kidnapped ‘will lead to panic, guilt and more expense of legal fees.
A more peaceful and up-to-date way to get divorced is to plan a series of conversations (maybe difficult at first, but they get easier) based on the concept of “more for everyone and less for none. A couple and their children (of the appropriate age) can participate in these. Over the course of several weeks and months, a clear and respectful plan and time frame begins to evolve. Once that is defined for everyone and everyone agrees, only then are the formal paperwork and reasons passed on to a family attorney to appear in court.
2. Manage your expectations: spend 6 months on the process
The right mindset from the beginning is the trick to divorce peacefully and in a reasonable amount of time. There may be many 1-2-1 and mediated group conversations during this time; each helping to clarify the wisest arrangements for both parties regarding children, living arrangements, finances, work, retraining (if one parent requires additional support to improve their work skills and earn more income in the future) , separation of possessions, vacations, pensions and future flexibility to renegotiate the terms.
Will the transition be painful? – is different for everyone, but probably. Keep in mind that it will ease over time (especially if the couple prioritizes compassion) and then staying in an unsatisfying marriage for another 1-5 years before reaching this point creates prolonged pain anyway.
3. Trust that conscious parenting is best for your children.
Children feel the tension in a home even if they cannot express it in words. They may end up getting better emotionally in the long run once their parents agree to step up, communicate, and make some changes. It may be that through some mediated conversations some new skills and knowledge are learned and a marriage takes on a new life and everyone is happier (it happens!); And it could also be that parting ways while keeping children’s best interests at the center of changes also brings similar happiness over time.
This is surely not a simple topic and relationships are different for everyone. Life is long and it is a good beginning to reconfirm that you have many options about what the future may look like.
