I often write about saving or rescuing troubled marriages, so I’m sometimes asked to provide warning signs for wives who suspect their husband is planning to leave or file for divorce. Of course, the warning signs will be slightly different for each couple, but I’ve found that there are many common or universal signs, which I’ll discuss below. However, I would also like to emphasize that if you feel that something is “off” (enough that you have taken the time to look into it), then I would advise you to trust your instincts and take positive action, as it is Better to take preventative measures than sit back and wait for your shoe to drop, because by then a lot of damage could have been done and you likely have a lot of distance to recover.
Warning sign number one: awkward silences and tense interactions: Probably the first indication that something is wrong is the feeling that something is wrong that precedes the lack of intimacy. Maybe before you and your husband could talk for hours on end, but now you’re finding silence when you’re together and it’s not the “comfortable silence” where you just relax and collect each other’s thoughts. No, it’s the awkward silence where someone should say something, but no one knows what to say. So many people will fill these lapses with meaningless small talk. Or you’ll find that even though you’re not fighting fiercely and then making up, things are tense and super charged, with no real resolution to lessen this tension.
Often in these situations, I hear women say things like, “It’s like I can’t do anything right. If I’m loving, he rejects me. If I hang back and wait for him to initiate affection, then I’ll be waiting for him.” forever”. because he doesn’t. It’s like I’m not there.” Another example is “we’ve become roommates or like brother and sister. We talk about the children or our jobs, but nothing else.”
The spark is gone: I think it’s so clicky to say that everything in a marriage revolves around sex. Sex is really just a symptom or product of intimacy and closeness. Couples who share a close bond in a harmonious home find that this “being in tune” often comes through physical affection which, in turn, fuels closeness and intimacy. It’s a nice cycle that continues to perpetrate positive feelings and interactions. This is what we all strive for, because when a couple is “in love”, both parties view the marriage through rose-colored glasses so that when problems do arise, they are quickly addressed and fixed. If you are not in the place, you need to get there, because husbands who feel close to their wives rarely plan to leave because they are too busy, experience positive feelings and closeness, and have no desire to change this.
He is distant, distant, closed and does not want to talk about his marriage: Often when women ask me for “signs my husband is leaving me,” I ask if they have confronted their husband about his intentions. Most of the time, they will tell me that the husband refuses to talk about what is going on. Husbands who are seriously considering leaving often close off their wives and their marriages. They just don’t want to talk about it anymore because in their minds they think things can’t and won’t change and they essentially don’t think or talk about it anymore.
What to do if you think your husband is leaving or is thinking of leaving you: I realize that most husbands don’t want to talk about their feelings or intentions in this situation, but that doesn’t mean YOU can’t talk. However, before I tell you what to say, I want to stress that it should be brief and to the point. It is very important that you do not show any signs of despair, aggression or negative emotions. You are about to turn the tables, but you have to have your game face to do it.
The idea here is to get away from the person on the opposite side who is causing negative or indifferent emotions. Many people instinctively know this, but they “trigger a reaction” in the wrong way. They try to convince, argue or blame. This just breeds more negativity that husbands just want to escape from that much more. So what is the best way?
Think of a quiet moment when neither of you is in a rush. He simply says that she has noticed a distance in the marriage that bothers him. Ask her husband if she could share with you what she needs to improve the situation. If she ignores you, don’t react negatively. Just say that your marriage is the most important thing to you and that your husband is the most important person in your life. So even if you can’t predict the future and don’t know his intentions, you still want to improve your relationship, no matter what ultimately happens. State that you only intend to act in a way that will enhance the relationship, and proceed to do just that. It doesn’t matter how she responds or if she believes you or not. Because, in the days to come, whether or not he leaves, every interaction you have with him will at least not end on a negative note.
Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not asking you to agree with everything he says. Not at all. What I am saying is that you are contributing positive things to your relationship or you are contributing negative things. You are choosing the high road. Eventually, the idea is for her husband to follow this example. Once you show her the attention, understanding, and time that she really wants, she’s likely to start modeling this same behavior.
At the end of the day, both husband and wife want the same things in their marriages. They want to feel loved, valued, understood and appreciated. By modeling the behavior that ensures her husband feels these things, he is beginning to turn negative emotions and interactions into positive ones. And this is what will finally change this situation.
