What a fucking year this has been! We have all been beaten and tossed around like a piece of driftwood in a tumultuous sea of chaos, confusion, and uncertainty. It is a fact! Some of us have been hurt more than others, but through it all, it’s been terribly hard on each and every one of us in some way!
Depression and anxiety are a daily experience for many and alcohol use is at an all time high. Suicide rates are through the roof and school-age children are experiencing spontaneous crying due to the strong and unidentifiable emotions they are experiencing.
As we all “keep swimming” through life as this year winds down, I was out on a few errands the other day, only to get out of my mind and out of my house. It was an emotionally difficult day for me and it took everything I had to stop the tears from spilling out like a dripping faucet.
During one of the stops I made, the gentleman asked me how I was doing. My response, with a fake smile cracked behind my mask, was, “I’m doing great!”
I knew it wasn’t the truth, and probably, he probably would have called my BS if he’d known me better. Regardless, I ran the rest of my errands quite anxious to get back to the safe place I call home. All I wanted to do was bury myself under a blanket and put on some Netflix to take my mind off the strong emotion. I’m pretty sure I went to bed at 7:30 pm that night just to finish the day.
The next morning I woke up and the brief interaction with the store clerk came to mind. I thought to myself, “No, Tracy, you’re not okay and why would you say you were?”
While I know no one wants to hear a sad story, I certainly could have been a bit more honest and vulnerable.
I then continued to reflect on what that conversation on my part would have been like if I had been 100% honest with that man and more importantly myself.
Sorry for the rant, but there is a message in all of this. In fact, I felt 100% better after my little fuss. It was about honoring and acknowledging parts of myself that needed to be heard.
It would have gone a bit like this…
Store Clerk: How are you doing today?
Honest Tracy: I’m NOT good, this year has sucked. It has been the worst year of my life. Things have been brutal, confusing and devastating. I have never been so despondent as this past year. Everything has fallen apart and I have never felt so alone and cut off from the world.
My core business in International Education came to a standstill and I had no idea where future income would come from. My children and I have been through depression and I could barely keep my head above water to care for them.
My entire belief system about who I was and the world around me fell apart. I had to face some shady and dark sides of myself and deal with so many changes that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like it didn’t matter.
Important relationships of mine fell apart and made me feel lonelier than before. I have 3 children who depend on me and I can’t even tell them what they want to hear. I have no family that lives near me and I have no one to count on.
It’s been a real shit show of a year and everything I’ve ever known in my life has changed. There’s no sense of normality, predictability or consistency anymore and I feel like it’s never going to end. I feel hopeless and powerless and just want to disappear! That’s how I’m doing it! Not well! Not good at all!
(Applause from the higher beings)
Now please don’t think that this is the victim attitude I lead in life because I am very optimistic and grateful. My point in sending this message is that I actually felt a lot of relief when I was honest.
While I didn’t take all of this out on a stranger, I did take the time to share my vulnerability and rawness with myself. I gave myself permission to talk about how unpleasant the last year was and the impact it had on me.
I know most of you are like me and want to remain positive and hopeful, however it is important to assess the impact of all of this (COVID, BLM, the riots, the fear, the fires, the election, the empty grocery store). shelves, lost jobs, quarantines, deaths, broken relationships, loneliness, drama, conflict) and whatever else has impacted your life in some way.
So, as a Self-Love Mentor, I give you permission to be honest, raw, and vulnerable with yourself. This year has sucked! This year has been tough! And this year has been like nothing else we’ve been through or want to go through again!
So take five minutes, open a blank WORD document or get out a piece of paper and a pen, and start downloading. Have your own fuss about what you’ve been through. And you don’t even have to limit it to 2020. You can add some old stuff if you need it from 10, 20, or even 40 years ago.
Let it flow and if the emotions also come, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. This is a healing exercise that each of us needs at this time. Get sad, get angry, get frustrated… but most importantly, be HONEST! You owe it to yourself.
Encourage those around you to do the same. If you have children, let them share by writing, talking, or drawing a picture. Let the energy move.
We have all witnessed a “natural disaster” and can process what we have been through and assess the damage. Take time to honor yourself and your feelings. Yes, it may be uncomfortable, but there is pain when removing the splinter that has been festering under the skin for a long time.
You’re worth it! You have this and you are stronger than you think.
I am sending each of you lots of love and encouragement and please let me know how I can support you in any way. You’ll get over it, this will end, and everything will be fine!
