Many parents struggle when their children reach adolescence because the behaviors during this time can be quite different than they were when their children were younger. This can be very scary for parents who often feel that no matter what they do, it is not okay in the eyes of their teens.
Do you lack communication with your teenager? Do you feel that they live in your room and you hardly see them, much less know what is happening in your life? Are you constantly with friends but have no idea who these friends are, who their families are, or what they do when they spend time together? Do they turn down your offers to spend time doing familiar things? If any or all of these scenarios apply to your child, you have a fairly typical teenager.
So what’s going on? The first and strongest reason children behave this way is that they are working toward independence, and to achieve this they need to separate from you, on whom they have depended for so many years of their life. They don’t know how to do this thoughtfully or gracefully (or they may not even realize they are doing it), so they simply isolate themselves from you as a way of not feeling so dependent on you. It makes sense if you think about it this way, although it doesn’t make it any less frustrating or worrisome when you’re on the receiving end. Second, it is normal for children to be ashamed of the changes that occur as their bodies mature. Children also experience an increase in sexualized feelings which can be overwhelming and not something they want to discuss with their parents. Finally, it is very normal during adolescence for friends to become more important than parents or other family members. This is not a negative reflection of the family, but rather a shift from viewing the family as the center of the world to actually wanting to discover the larger world that exists as a way of establishing independence.
Mothers often feel this setback more than fathers. This is because mothers are generally seen as caretakers and nurturers (although not always) and therefore children need to push their mothers away to begin to create their independence. This is obviously very concerning for a mother who may try harder to get closer to her child in an effort to increase communication and remain actively involved in his life. However, this is not actually helpful and can create and increase family opposition, isolation, or discord. Understanding the reason for the behavior can be helpful to mothers so that they do not take this setback personally and allow their child some space to begin to develop independence. Sometimes this setback is not so obvious with parents, yet it still exists. Children can connect with their parents on other things (playing sports, a game on television, a project at home) while maintaining an emotional distance during this time of developing independence.
Children will often isolate themselves and avoid confrontation when possible. However, that is not to say that children do not display strong negative emotions towards their parents, which can be scary and very troublesome. The screaming of teenage boys can be very aggressive and threatening in nature, and sometimes the anger turns physical, which can lead to them throwing things, breaking things, and sometimes even physically attacking their parents. As already stated, this can be very scary, both for the teenager who has probably grown in size and strength and for the parents. It is never acceptable for children to break things or harm other people in the home. It is also not acceptable for parents to become physically aggressive towards their children (it is illegal to begin with), which can make parents feel ineffective and helpless. In such situations, the use of outside support may be necessary to prevent further aggressive outbursts and to keep everyone in the home (including the person who was demonstrating the assault) feeling safe. Sometimes (although every situation is certainly different) giving your teenager some space and time alone when he is upset is helpful in preventing such an outburst. This doesn’t mean that you don’t ask them to meet certain expectations or that you avoid having difficult conversations with them … it just means that you do so at a time when they are more in control of their emotions, which ultimately leads to more interaction. productive for both you and your child.
There is certainly a lot more information related to what makes teens tick, however this overview is intended to help you, as a parent, understand what may be going on with your child, which will help you take decisions that are best for you. you and your family regarding how to deal with your adolescent effectively. I want to emphasize that while most children go through this process of isolation or distancing safely, there are others who experience significant difficulties during this difficult transition period. Some adolescent boys begin using drugs and / or alcohol as a way to gain confidence in social situations or to manage their confused emotions. Others become involved in negative peer groups and succumb to peer pressures associated with criminal activity. As mentioned above, some lose control emotionally and become aggressive and violent. If you have real concerns about such behaviors, you should consult with an expert who can help you determine if you need additional help or support.
As a parent, you know your teenager best. Trust your instincts while allowing yourself to be open to understanding what might be going on with them. And, one of the most important things to remember as you endure the stress that can be associated with raising a teenager while dealing with everything else in your life is to take time for yourself, do the things you enjoy, and practice personal wellness. care on a regular basis.