If you take the word ‘WE’ and flip it over, it becomes ‘ME’. That’s pretty good in itself; but ME can be a very lonely place.
Till death do us part seems a long way off when the vows are first said. Even as the years go by, we never want to face the fact that someday one of us will be gone. I think from the beginning we are all in a constant state of denial.
My benchmark is 37 years of a wonderful and fulfilling relationship. There certainly were ups and downs and ins and outs, but we know things happen~~ LIFE HAPPENS! And now, on reflection, the ins and outs and ups and downs seem so insignificant.
Initially there is this ‘Complaints Process’ that we have all learned from; Shock and denial, grief and guilt, anger, depression and the list goes on. Well, I’ll tell you that I found out that these feelings and emotions don’t come in any chronological order. In fact, personally, he was determined not to entertain any of them, ever, at all. Why? Because I thought I had everything under control and knew where my husband was (resting in the Master’s arms). With that being said, why should you be angry or depressed or feel pain or guilt? NOT SO!
In my determination not to allow myself to go through this ‘so-called’ grieving process, I soon realized that I had done myself a great disservice. To my surprise and dismay, all of these emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.
I heard or read somewhere that tort is like a “roller coaster”. SO TRUE. She picks you up, then drops you. It goes round and round, leaving your heart in your throat and your mind in a fog.
The life I experienced with my husband ‘wasn’t a bad ride’, but his passing put me on that ‘roller coaster’. There were times when it seemed like he could finally move on and move up. Then suddenly out of nowhere would come a sight or a sound or a song or a smell or an image that would remind me of my husband~~~ and the roller coaster rushes down, and I found myself falling back to where he was. was.
Back to ~ It just can’t be….
Back to ~ I want everything to go back to the way it used to be….
Back to ~ I’m really not ready to let go…..
Around me, people carry on as if life were normal. And here I am thinking how can all of you (in your now normal and perfect world) act as if nothing happened? My husband is dead! Life can never be normal again! Well, I soon realized that this was not everyone else’s world, this was my world.
You may have had a similar experience. The people around you live as if everything is normal~~ but not everything is normal for you. Your world has been turned upside down and the pain can seem unbearable. But please know that you will really get over it. When? You can ask~~~ believe me, “when” is not a factor. We all progress at different levels.
Unlike what I did, allow yourself to cry and I mean cry however you want (scream, scream, cry, whatever). Just allow yourself to remember and reflect as is best for you.
Don’t rush and don’t let people rush you. Share the pain of your grievance with safe people who will really listen and truly appreciate what you have lost. Every time you open up and share with someone (who really understands) you are slowly letting go of the pain. And as you let go of the pain~~ you allow the healing to take place.
I have come to see the grievance slowly disappear ~~ moment by moment, day by day ~ for as long as it takes. You need to focus on all the good things about your spouse and your marriage, because I’ll tell you right now, most of the things I got angry and upset with my husband about, I could probably put in a thimble.
Please understand that there will always be a warm place in your heart that you can never replace. But please know that your heart is big enough to love again. You’ll get to a point where you really want ‘and’ need to move on.
Almost six years after the loss of my husband, I finally reached a turning point in my grief. A very dear friend came back into my life after almost 40 years. I found myself laughing again and felt a glimpse of joy; I was realizing that yes, I can do it and I am going to do it! I’m ready to rebuild~~
The rebuilding of our lives really begins the moment we lose our loved one. However, the rebuilding does not begin in earnest until we have worked through most of the feelings, memories, and issues that resulted from our loss. When we have sifted through and classified all these feelings and emotions, only then do we have the strength and the foundation to start putting our whole being back into life and looking to the future.