Marya Mannes once wrote: “The land we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge, for by exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously, Mrs. Mannes preferred the status quo: health, sanity, logic, blah blah blah. Why? Green House Roulette is much more intriguing.
In the countryside, the weather affects everything. For five years, western South Dakota has been plagued by drought. The water and hay are fading. Farms and ranches are rampaging. As the government rescues Florida hurricane victims and says, ‘Southern Dawho?’ our cattle are urinating dust mites. Fortunately, things are looking up.
There is some good news! Those pesky glaciers are finally melting! Last fall, an eight-nation report estimated that an area of arctic ice the size of Texas and Kansas has disappeared. For those of you geographically challenged, that’s an area bigger than a breadbox.
At first, the news about devastating global climate change may seem a bit annoying. Then I read an LA Times article and changed my mind. The article began with the usual pessimism. The Greenland ice sheet is melting. Our coasts will be flooded by rising sea water. Inuit hunters are falling through thinning ice. Glacial melting changes the temperature and salinity of the oceans by contorting the jet stream, resulting in altered weather patterns around the world. Many species are becoming extinct. . . It was discouraging.
Then I got to the final paragraph of the article. bam! My faith was restored. Here the Times pointed out the advantages of global warming. Seriously, the article ended by saying, “The report isn’t entirely gloomy. A warmer Arctic could boost the numbers of some species, like char, a fish. It could extend Canada’s wheat-growing season and open now- treacherous sea routes, such as the Northwest Passage and the Northern Sea Route, which parallels Russia, for shipping and resource exploration.”
Three cheers for the LA Times! It is true! Not everything is gloomy. With that glorious bit of sunshine pumped right onto my ski bibs, I was able to see things in a whole new light. I began to think of other advantages of global warming. You’ll soon agree that people from all walks of life will benefit.
For starters, the Inuit hunters will benefit! Once the Inuit have nothing left to hunt, there will be no need for them to risk falling through thin ice. Also, needing food, they’ll be ripe for a floating Arctic Super Wal-Mart (pontoons, not ice). “Go get them, Sam.”
Boat owners will benefit! Not only will there be smooth sailing through the previously troublesome ice of the Northwest Passage, but every summer, cruise ships will be able to take tourists right down Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
Divers will benefit! There will be no more burning coral cuts. In fact, there will be no more coral. Once all the reefs are gone, divers can pack up first aid kits and dive right in. A little slime never cuts anyone.
Canadian Wheat Farmers Will Benefit! You see, there is a 10% decrease in the corn yield of Midwestern crops for every degree of global warming. Don’t worry though, now wheat can replace corn. Think of all those delicious Wheat Dogs at the ball game. How about buttered popped wheat at the movies or steamed wheat on the cob? Everyone yells ‘delicious’ at me.
While it’s a bit ironic that ethanol is made from the corn crops that global warming devastates, I’m sure some aspiring chemist will rise to the challenge of developing ‘Wheatanol’. Imagine that the Canuck wheat farmers have more influence than the Saudi royal family.
Dune-Buggy enthusiasts will benefit! The Dakotas will soon reopen for your 4×4 pleasure. Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb on the 4th of July! It will be a damn challenge!
Ecotourism operators will benefit! Businesses could offer new “Wasting Tour Packages.” Tourists get closer photos of polar bears and whales when they’re too lethargic from hunger to walk away. Plus, long walks to Inuit villages can be avoided once they’re forced to beg on the streets of Nome (or checkout at Wal-Mart).
Ultimately, the next generation of politicians in the Bush family will benefit! Once again, they can avoid addressing campaign issues, this time by distracting dehydrated voters with one-liners like; “No Kyoto pact, no ice pack” or “Dead seals never change”, even promising “No Char Left Behind”. Not to mention the offer of new SPF 80 tax credits.
Well, by God, I feel better! Shall we spin the roulette wheel a little more?