Sometimes I hear from people who, in the past, have been elated at the thought that they finally have the commitment in their relationship that they’ve wanted all along. Unfortunately, this happiness does not last long. Because, later, but they get depressed knowing that their partner or boyfriend has changed his mind. This is something that can become something like a cycle. And the bride might be confused as to why this is happening. Things may be going great for a while and she thinks they might even be walking down the aisle soon. But a little time will pass and the boyfriend’s doubt will start to take over again. And before she knows it, he has changed his mind once again.
You might hear a comment like, “Last Christmas, my boyfriend gave me a ring and told me we could get engaged. For about six weeks we were incredibly happy. But then that spring, he admitted to me that he had changed his mind because he felt that he wasn’t ready. This made me very sad and I admit it was probably a little hard to be around me, but I tried to understand. Then in the summer he told me once again that he would be ready to get married soon. And yet, a couple months later he said he needed more time. At this point, I am getting very frustrated with this process. It’s been a few times since I got engaged only to have it all taken away. I know my boyfriend loves me. I have no doubts about that. And I feel like we have a good relationship for the most part. So why does he keep changing his mind every couple of months?
There are several different reasons why a man might keep changing his mind about a commitment. I will talk about some of them in the next article.
He thinks he’s just not ready: Some men have to reach a certain age or level of maturity before they are ready to commit. This is especially true if the couple is young. You may want to achieve a certain social position or financial status before you feel like you can support a family. This does not necessarily reflect badly on you or your relationship. He just wants to take care of you and make sure he has the means and work to do so.
One way to avoid this is to show him that you don’t expect or need a certain lifestyle to be happy. Let him know that you are in this together and that you are more than willing to help him achieve the financial status he needs to feel more secure.
Could there be things about your relationship that are giving you pause?: This is perhaps the most difficult obstacle to face. No one wants to admit that there may be problems in the relationship that are causing them to have second thoughts. It can help to look at the times you backed off before and see if there were issues that kept coming up in the relationship that corresponded with your hesitation.
Sometimes there is an argument that comes up again and again. As a result, you begin to believe that your problems are insurmountable or that you will never solve them. If this is the case, the easiest and fastest way to overcome this is to successfully identify and then fix that problem. Until you do, you may keep having doubts over and over again until you finally address them once and for all.
You may have preconceived notions about commitment or marriage: Some men come from a family or a culture that looks down on marriage. Some men listen to their friends tell them that once you get married, your life is over. And some men come from divorced families where marriages add stress and pain to life. So if your boyfriend has any of these preconceived notions, it may be causing him to be reluctant to commit.
The only real way to get through this is to make your relationship as healthy as possible and be patient with him. Over time, he will need to see that he can trust you. You need to see that your relationship actually makes you stronger rather than weaker. You need to see that your relationship makes you happy instead of miserable and instead of being a source of stress. You have to address this because you are likely hearing feedback from various outside sources and struggling to figure out who to believe. And that’s why he’s changing his mind over and over again.
Sometimes women are tempted to call him out on this. They may tell you that if she doesn’t want to get married or if she keeps changing her mind, then maybe the two of you should separate. This is often a mistake. With a little patience, you can often fix this. If you’ve gotten him to begrudgingly commit before, there’s a chance you can pull it off with a little work and a little patience.